My pregnancy

My Pregnancy

Imagine being raped, for just one moment.... then imagine finding out that your rapist had made you pregnant.... I was getting back on my feet again, going out alone, I'd made a decision to hand my notice in at work, make a fresh start, I began to plan things, look forward to the future (one day at a time), then I began to feel under the weather, I hadn't realised before this but I wasn't concerned, I'd been through a lot of stress, I'd missed a period, but I shrugged it off, it wasn't that important, I thought.... After a few weeks of feeling unwell, my friends became concerned and advised me to take a pregnancy test: I was horrified when they said it. When you are raped, you don't associate it with sex (power) so being pregnant never crosses your mind, plus you're too busy getting "back-on-track", you aren't considering how you feel physically. But I did the test and it was POSITIVE. I was TWO months pregnant with my rapist's baby.

The terrible decision
After finding out I was pregnant I was in disbelief. How could one man do all this to my life? I was referred to a clinic that could offer me some options about what to do about the baby. In the end, I decided to have an abortion, something I had always disagreed with except under desperate circumstances and I believed this was one of them. Lots of question were going through my head: Could I really love this baby? Would it be fair on the child to bring it into the world under these circumstances? Would I be able at this time to look after a child? All the answers were NO. I had the abortion and it was the worst day of my life, I was crying as they took me through to the prep room to have my anesthetic, knowing I had no other choice, I wouldn't have been able to carry the baby for nine months just to give it away either. When I came out of hospital later that day, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, but I was also filled with guilt. To this day, I carry that around with me, I desperatly wanted someone to wave a magic wand over me so I didn't have to do it, but at the time I felt so confused, it just seemed like the right thing to do. NOW I KNOW FOR ME IT WASN'T.

I was also tested for sexually transmitted diseases at my local GUM clinic (see Links). It took three visits to get it all done and get my results, which was nerve racking (mine were thankfully all clear). They have a lab in the clinic so all the results are accurate and you also have a follow-up appointment, the clinic is completely confidential. Then I had to wait three harrowing months to have an AIDS test, as the virus takes that long to show up in your blood. I had mine done at the same local clinic, they just took some blood and I went back later that day. They talked me through the process and explained everything, they were very understanding, and again it was all confidential. My test was negative, I'm pleased to report.